I will never understand

I am not sure if you have heard the story about the European diplomat and his wife who decided to return their seven year old daughter who was adopted from Korea at 4 months (read more here). I first heard about this a few days ago and have since learned that the family is from Holland! I talked to my mom on the phone this morning and apparently, the Dutch newspapers are full of this story. My mom mentioned that every time she hears about this story on the news, she looks at pictures of Jazzie and Tahlia and wonders how this family could have done this.

I have blogged about my feelings about disrupted adoptions before and they have not changed. I will never, ever understand it. Even though it is true that I have not walked in the shoes of those families who have disrupted an adoption, I have dealt with unexpected medical issues and emotional issues. Was I upset when we found out Jazzie was deaf? Yes, I was devastated. Did we wish it didn't have to be that way? Absolutely. But never, not even for one millisecond, did I think about "giving her back". Were Tahlia's emotional issues the hardest thing I have dealt with in my life? You bet, but it never once occurred to me to "return her".

Matt wrote a post on my blog once in response to a disrupted adoption and said something that is so true: "If you are okay with disrupting an adoption, you need to question your commitment to parenting any child." Anything can happen with or to a child (adopted or biological, just look at Laura). Children do not come with a warranty so that you can return or exchange them after problems arise. Jazzie's medical and Tahlia's emotional issues, might seem like nothing compared to what other families who have disrupted an adoption have gone through. However, the fact remains that we had medical and emotional issues that we were not prepared for and that were hard to face, but Jazzie and Tahlia are our daughters forever, no matter what, so we dealt with them.

No, I will never, ever understand parents deciding their young children are not what they thought they would be and then simply walk away from them...

Comments

[tracy]

I hadn't heard this. I'm shocked and it pains me to the very core of who I am. I agree with you 110%.

[Tammie]

I am totally at a loss for words here. When I told David about the story, you could almost see the steam coming out of his head he was livid. There is so much that I could say here but won't because I just don't get it.

[jessie]

"Grant that I may not criticize my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his moccasins!!!"

[lisa]

Sandra,
This is Lisa from SC. My mom is also Dutch. She and I have spoken about this story. Let me preface by saying that I can't even begin to imagine what would make a couple decide to "return" their child. It does blow my mind. However, I have to assume that there is A LOT more to it. I don't think this is as simple as "She wasn't what we wanted, so we're giving her back." I just don't buy that. The Duth are saying that she was/is very, very unhappy/depressed and never adjusted to life in Holland after they moved from Asia. The rumor that the couple assumed they were infertile and therefore adopted is untrue. They had a son before they adopted- heis now 14. They also had a child after they adopted. Seeing as how the story is already being skewed by the media, I assume there is more to it that we may never know. They want us to believe that this couple only adopted because they could not have children of their "own," but this is NOT the case. Once again, I can not imagine giving up my child under ANY circumstance; but I have to say that at this point, I certainly don't know enough to judge their decision. This is a very tragic story.
Take care,
Lisa

[Catherine]

The thought of this literally makes me ill. If at the age of 7 they 'returned' this precious little girl, what did she have to live through in the 7 years she was with them. I may be being judgemental but there is not way they could have treated her properly if after 7 years they decide she's not right for their family.

I hope this little girl gets a brand new start with a family who truly loves her.

[Becky]

Well, this saddens me. I don't see how any one can disrupt but I have good friends that were on the receiving end of a disrupted adoption from China not long ago. He is doing wonderfully in his new family. I just don't get it though....

[Andrea]

And here a picture and article...

http://rokdrop.com/2007/12/14/could-not-adapt-to-dutch-culture/

[Andrea]

I found this...

they did not even mentioned her...

http://www.occlub.org/occ/activities/past_event_intro/05-01-ny.htm

and here is an dutch artikel...

http://www.ad.nl/binnenland/article1895682.ece?nscategory=topStoryA

It makes me really sad... how can people be like that... but what Kyra posted... said it all...

I am so sorry...

Andrea

[Keri]

I just can't understand the part about having "their own" children and it not being the same. I have 3 biological children and one adopted and there is absolutely NO difference at all. I can not stress this enough. I would give my life for any of my kids. This is just so sad. This little girl will probably always have issues with trust. My heart breaks for her.

Keri

[Wendi]

I can't even put into words how this makes me feel. My heart is breaking for this child.

[Marla]

Wow, how sad, I can't even imagine what that poor child is going through. I agree with you totally, I will never understand how this happens. Like you said, there are no guarantees with adopted or biological children. When I found out at 20 weeks pregnant that my son had Down Syndrome, it never crossed my mind NOT to have him, even knowing that 90% of parents in the same situation make a different decision than we did. My kids aren't perfect, and neither am I for that matter, but they're mine and always will be, NO MATTER WHAT. My prayers are with that sweet girl...

[Deb & Chris]

I am so saddened by this.....I had not heard about this story....so incredibly heart wrenching!!!

[Barbara]

There was a post on the waiting children china yahoo list a few weeks ago from the moderator, saying that her son, who has physical disablities and attachment issues, was going to meet his new family! He had been in the family for a few years, had a older brother (biological) and a sister from China. The mom had voiced all along the problems they had and that she would have never adopted the boy if she "knew then what she knows now." I am mortified. There is just no good reason to relinquish a child, unless you are a horrible parent who doesn't deserve the priviledge of being a mom or dad.

[Danielle]

I agree 100%. I just don't get it either. That poor child.

[Steffie B.]

I can't even imagine...I'm almost speechless over it.....

[Janice]

We have a bio son and 2 adopted daughters and I can never imagine someone doing this kind of thing. Our girls are our daughters just as much as our son is. The day they were placed in our arms was the same love and emotion as the day our new born son was placed in our arms. Our 3 kids are equal in every way. Very sad...my heart aches for this little girl.

[Anja]

Yes, the newspapers are full of the news! I don't understand it either. How could they?!

Though yesterday evening it was on the news that Jade will be placed out the house "temperaly". Next sentense is in Dutch because it's easier :-): Jade heeft blijkbaar een ernstige vorm van bindingsangst. That's why it's temperaly and not definate.

I don't know what to believe.... I just feel sorry for Jade...

[Joannah]

I hadn't heard about that. It is unfathomable to me. What are they thinking? Makes me feel sick.

[Beverly]

It is a very sad situation so much so for the child. This dissolution will end up being the best thing for this girl but she will have some serious emotional stuff to go through. This is the in the heart of most of our adopted children, "will you love me no matter what or will you abandon me." I can't imagine how these parents will hold their heads up and claim to be parents of any children. Do you suppose they will cut the child's pic out of their albums? How can a parent erase a child after 7 years?

Beverly

[Daleea]

I can't find the words.... 7 years... my heart breaks for this precious little child. She will be in my prayers. I will pray that the Lord leads her to her REAL parents. For the people that once called her there own, surely don't deserve her.

[maryellen]

I couldn't agree more....and how smart is your husband. He hit the nail right on the head!!

[Diana]

OMG is all I can say. I have 2 adopted boys from Korea and I can not imagine raising a child for 7 years then GIVING them back. I pray she finds a loving home with parents who know how to love her the way she deserves to be loved. I cannot imagine what the little girl must be thinking.
How sad.

[Doris Clark]

In french we say "ca me depasse". It is unbelievable to me that this can occur. Saddens and angers me.

Keep smilin!

[Kyra]

Unfortunately, our society has bred this. Our culture of 'perfection worshipping' and returning or discarding *anything* that no longer pleases, is rampant. I see it in our mass consumerism and in many broken relationships. No one seems to have a conscience or remorse in this post modern era. I am particularly shocked a sweet girl can be discarded when something deemed *better* comes along. Commitments are not kept and human life is deemed as cheap and dispensable.
I pray for this sweet innocent girl who is suffering because of her selfish parents. My heart breaks for her and I pity the people that will suffer grave consequences for what they have done.
Hugs to your girls and Merry Christmas Sandra,
Kyra

[Lea Harper]

great post as per usual.

Lea

[Robin]

I agree with you 100% too Sandra. I do not understand these disruptions. Especially when they have had the child for awhile. What the heck? Do they think that because they have adopted rather than birthed the child, they have the right to exchange them for something better??? What makes them so perfect? Obviously their parents did not return them for their obvious character flaws! Unbelieveable.

[Magi]

I agree 100%. I would question their ability to parent the two biological children they had after adopting.

[Debbie in the UK]

I agree totally. I have 2 biological children and if they had an accident or if they were born "less than perfect" then I would still have loved them with all my heart. My god, it is like returning something to a store because it has broken. Disgusting.

Debbie in the UK