Recently, Lisa over at Life With Briana wrote a beautiful post about rocking her baby to sleep. If you haven't read it, you really should; it is here. That particular post made me cry. It made me cry because I could relate to Lisa's overwhelming love for her child and it reminded me of the days that I used to rock my own babies.
Right around the time that Lisa wrote her post, Tahlia wasn't feeling well and she actually asked me to rock her. Of course I happily complied. I sat there with her for quite a while, just enjoying rocking and holding my baby girl and I thought to myself that rocking a child is truly one of the most wonderful things that motherhood has to offer. Unfortunately for me, rocking Tahlia became one of the worst moments of the day after we first brought her home.
While in the midst of my Post Adoption Depression, I had a hard time enjoying rocking Tahlia at night; as a matter of fact, I hated it because I knew that the worst part of my day with her was yet to come. I would be exhausted from carrying her around everywhere because she would not let me out of her sight for even a second, and I knew that I was going to be in for yet another night of almost constant screaming. I struggled with trying desperately to enjoy rocking my baby and resenting her at the same time for not giving me a moment's rest. Each night as I sat in that rocking chair, I struggled to hold in my sobs as I did not want to wake Tahlia and I did not want Matt to know how much I was struggling. I would rock and rock, being afraid to get up to put Tahlia in her bed, because it would probably wake her up and I would have to start all over again. I can still hear the noise the rocker made every time it slid back and forth; I sat in that chair for hours each and every night. It wasn't enjoyable for me; it was one of the most miserable times of my life.
So when I read Lisa's post, I just thought about how sad it was that I was not able to enjoy rocking my Tahlia when she was little. Many, many nights I wished that I didn't have to sit in that rocking chair... How I wish it could have been different. How I wish I could have felt then how Lisa feels now. But that is not what it was like for me. Just look at what a sweet little peanut Tahlia was...
I wish I would have been able to enjoy her more and that I would not have been consumed by PAD. However, the moment whenTahlia asked to be rocked when she wasn't feeling well was wonderful. I enjoyed every moment of it, wanting to remember those wonderful feelings when rocking her as much as I remember the bad ones. I am not sure if I will ever forget the bad ones, but Tahlia has given me many, many happy moments over the past two and a half years which are pushing the bad ones further and further back in my memory.
The picture below was taken in the midst of my PAD turmoil during which I doubted my love for her many, many times. However, it is one of my very favorite pictures of the two of us together and when I look at it, I see a happy girl and a mama who loves her a lot; it just took me a while to know it.