I love this girl, but yesterday she almost drove me insane with her whining. I am not sure what is going on her, because she is usually not like that. Maybe she is still getting over being sick. Whatever the reason, I hope she gets back to her nice old self again soon...
Look at that face. I just want to eat her ;-)
This girl really is a joy and it is hard to imagine that when she first came home, we had SUCH a hard time with her. My friend PIPO has been blogging about her first week home with her little PIPA. Reading about her struggle brought me right back to when we first brought Tahlia home. It still amazes me at times that the pain of that time is still pretty close to the surface. Just reading PIPO's words made me relive my own experience. We struggled for 18 months. 18 months...
I still don't know how I made it through and I wonder if I will ever forget it. A recent exchange of e-mails with a friend has really made me think of that time again and I realize that those 18 months are still affecting me. Not like it was when I was in the midst of it of course, but it still is to an extent. Matt and I were talking about it last night and he agreed that I have not resolved that issue within myself. I still have not come to terms with it. I still have guilt that I carry from some of the things I said or thought. I can still get angry over some of the things that happened then, even though they happened almost three years ago. I cannot let go of them. Every time I walk into Tahlia's room I have flashes of the mattress being on the floor which was there for months when I was trying to gain Tahlia's trust during her crying and screaming fits. I remember trying to hold in my sobs of frustration, because I didn't want Tahlia to wake up. I remember being so angry that I had to be there on the floor because there were so many other things that needed to be done. I remember falling asleep on the mattress one night and Matt waking me up because Jazzie wanted to tell me goodnight and I remember the resentment I felt towards him for not just letting me sleep there, because he knew how utterly exhausted I was. I remember being angry at Tahlia for not letting Matt help her/hold her/comfort her and I remember being angry at Matt because I felt he wasn't trying hard enough. I understand it wasn't easy for him either. Being rejected all the time and being vomited on (which is what Tahlia did to him ALL the time), was hard on him; I know that. But I felt completely alone during that time because I had nobody else to help me. Not Matt, not my parents, nobody. I felt then (and still feel) that Matt could have just dealt with her for a couple of hours on the weekend when I was out by myself, desperate for a break, instead of calling me on the phone to come home because Tahlia was screaming and crying. It was infuriating to me because he couldn't deal with it for a couple of hours when I was dealing with it every single day and night.
After reading this post over at Life as I Know It, I realized that I am one of those people that Susan is describing in this part of her post:
"I saw a counselor not too long ago and she kept saying, “people like you,” “people who are in your position,” “those who act like you.” People like me is people who think they have to be in constant control of everything or they are failing. People who can’t say no for fear of letting others down. People who soothe themselves when no one else can or will. Maybe others can’t or won’t because people like me don’t give them the opportunity."
This paragraph really jumped out at me. I read it several times, because it hit home for me. I do have a tendency to want to be in control of things. And not being able to be in control of the situation with Tahlia did a real number on me. It made me be out of control of myself and that is where my weight issue stems from. I know this now and I am happy to say that I have made a real effort to regain control of myself. I have lost almost 7 pounds and doing things that I know are things I have to do for a better me.
So thank you to Susan and my friend who poured her heart out to me and I to her (you know who you are). Your written words have helped me start on the road to a better and healthier me.
And thank you to my girl Tahlia who has taught me a lot about myself ever since I saw her face for the very first time.