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Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Comments

Ivy

I couldn't have come over at a better time to read this post. FIRST thank you for validating the way I feel, and SECOND, it's so hard to be omnipotent and wear all the hats in a family (Mom, and sometimes Dad, therapist, teacher, wife, nurse, entertainer, etc). It's been so hard for me since the adoption of our second little special needs girl since her surgery was extensive, my oldest regressed and well let's not even go to the financial strain of it. I have applied for various odds and ends jobs (even though I am a nurse and still can't find work) to help but the economy continues to be a hardship.

Depression set in when I lost my beloved dog that I had before kids and husband and boy do I feel alone and sad, b/c no one understands the pain and frustration. Many of my friends no longer won't to associate with older parents with younger kids, so basicially I/we are alone. Only my husband gets to escape the days at work, not knowing at all the hardships of a SAHM.

I applaud you for writing this. In fact I feel so much better knowing that perhaps others are going through it. You are a fabulous Mother and wife and we are only human and at times we are allowed to feel imperfect and frustrated. I just have to realize that!

Thank you so very much for putting this out there. I already feel better.

Have a delightful Spring, Summer!

Tammie

Sandra,

I can't tell you enough how I value our friendship. Over the years, exchanging emails, online chats, traveling to China "together," & now reading blogs. I love your sense of humor & your total honesty.

Matt is a wonderful guy. David is a wonderful guy. Otherwise, we wouldn't have married them. Duh. Either way, just because we are perfect, there was no chance that they would also be perfect. That's why they need us in their lives.

After almost 21 years of marriage, I'm still learning that no matter how much we love them & value having them in our lives, men just don't look at life the way that we do. The saving grace for me is knowing that David loves me 100% & couldn't think of a life without me. I know that Matt feels the same way about you. I haven't figured out how to get David to see it my way either. I just haven't been brave enough to blog my frustrations about it. Thanks for putting it into words.

And, Matt, since we know you read this blog, go give your amazing wife the hugest bear hug you can give her. Tell her that you love her. Remind her that she's your best friend & you can't imagine life without her in it. Sometimes a wife needs to hear that. And more.

Love you guys!

Connie

I'm sorry. That 'lost' feeling is the very worst. But, being human happens to the best of us as I am discovering first hand as well.

Take solace in that you know the love you have for your husband. The TRUST you have in him and knowing the good times far outweigh the down. I am so happy for you having that.

Michal Dillon

S,
I can understand why you feel reluctant to talk about some negative things with your husband here but feel more comfortable talking about struggles with your girls. That unconditional love for your children in a very accepted and understood thing. Spouses are not always lucky enough to love someone or be loved by someone unconditionally - this may make it seem more of a betrayal to talk about issues with in a marriage on a blog. I think that anyone who has ever read your blog- even once - can be certain that you are married to a good man that you do love fiercely and unconditionally. I think it's even evident in the typed word of his name- it just comes through - so don't worry about that.
I have learned alot from your blog. ALOT. Reading your words have gotten me through some pretty harsh days, that happens mostly when you talk about "negative" issues. It's good to read a bit about someone else's life and realize that we all struggle. I love the way that you can balance frustrations with love in your words. You never sound harsh or judgemental.
As far as husbands???? Well, they are not perfect. They are not US. They are themsleves. I always say that even if Leslie got dropped into the middle of a stressful week of mine, it would not be the same for him. He has different prioirities for things and that is a big enough difference that they just can't see where we are sometimes. Also? They have different hormones. AND though it's no less, a Father's worries and love for his children are of a different make up than the Mother's.

Briana's Mom

Two very sick kids for all those days - no wonder you were falling apart. I know I would have been a basket case. Doug is so good at helping for the most part, but there are definitely those times when I get so frustrated with him when he just doesn't "get it". Thanks for sharing.

Heather

Sandra, once again, your honesty is refreshing and validating for so many of us. Many of your posts are so thought provoking for me, and I get very introspective of my own life because of them. I've been where you were at before and that feeling is not a good one, and it usually snowballs and morphs into so many other things as well.

We all love our husbands, for better and for worse, and a few forehead slapping occasions does not a bad person make - and I get that. Too often times, you will complain about something your significant other does to your friends and then they will from there on out label him as a jerk - solely based on one random thing you said because you needed to vent. I get it - and that's why I never judge the person by the single story. I know Matt is a fabulous individual, otherwise you wouldn't be with him :)

I'm so sorry you're still feeling the repercussions of that incredibly hard time with Tahlia and that you felt alone. I understand the post traumatic aspect of it all, and I hope that one day soon you can alleviate some of those negative feelings you still have... I know how hard it is to do that, too.

On a different note, although my husband has these moments, I must be honest as well and say that they are few and far between. In no way is my husband a perfect person, but I must acknowledge the fact that he has surprised me time and time again. In these past few months of desperate times I've had with sleep issues (both for G and myself), my husband has been my hero. However, when you're sleep deprived and flipping out with frustration at 2:30am, you don't always see that, and I'm guilty of not appreciating the fact that he is always willing to not only take over at night when I need rest, but to just be awake with me the thousand times a night I'm up, just to be of some support. I knew he was this type of person when I married him, which is the only reason I got married a second time - because I knew I'd found someone I'd not likely find again.

After reading your post, I sent him a text message letting him know how very much I appreciate him and everything he does to help me in those hard times. Thank you for helping me see that I need to do this more, because if I don't appreciate him for it now, it may not be there when I need it in the future...

Grace

As I read your blog, I realize how similar we are in our thinking. I posted recently on my blog how I'm less than proud of myself on how I acted toward my children after a long day of taking care of them. I certainly could have handled myself much better but I too was working on just a couple of hours of sleep.

My husband sounds like he's a clone of yours. Just the other night he decided to make something other than the meal I prepared for dinner. He proceeded to cook his meal late in the evening and I mentioned to him could he please make sure the dishes are cleaned, because I hate dirty dishes in the sink when I wake in the morning. Well... you guessed it, dirty dishes in the morning. I was livid! He did apologize but it still upset me knowing how I felt about this.

I try very hard to keep our house in order and have a hot meal on the table each night. It's so hard now that we've added a new child to our family. I'm still adjusting to this aspect and when I have to add an adult child to the mix it just sends me over the top!

Colleen

I totally feel that marriage is way more tough than being a mom. I went to T's last weekend, and J had 2 days of work and 1 1/2 days with H. He even had his parents overnight. Do you think that the house was clean? Groceries? Nadda. Filthy house - sink full of dishes...no milk. To come home to that made me want to do nothing but turn around and go back. I could go on...I get it. Its nice to see that we aren't alone...what is wrong with men? Please tell me. Or tell me what we can do to just move on and not stress about it?

I hope things get better and happy anniversary early.

Janet

Honesty is so nice to hear....we ALL have those times with our husbands, times that arent' so great. And yet we wouldn't give them up. :-)

RobinWhite1@aol.com

I love your heartfelt posts. I have never felt like I could ever really write all the things I feel. When I have tried writing something like that.. my daughter will read the post and tell me to erase it because it's negative or sad. ::sigh:: alas.. what you have written is so very true. I too have experienced it over and over and over. So much so that I've decided I am alone and I just have to learn to live it the best I can. (see... depressing) I've already been through one divorce because of this same loneliness and here it is again. So.. that being said, I think it's just men in general. :0)
Hang in there! One is mended and I'm sure the other is on the way.

Susan S.

It could be the name. My husband is also named Matt and some days I feel the same way. I have told him before that I don't ask for help anymore. He should see that I haven't sat all day and there is so much to do around the house. I only work part-time and feel like it is my responsiblity to do it all since he does work 40 hours. How do they not see what there is to be done and when you need help with your kid? Some days I just don't get it. I do love him and he would do anything for us, but it does get me very upset some days.

I do believe that men look at things differently and you have to ask or spell it out for them.

Hope you get caught up on your sleep and feel better.

Susan

Kayce

S, your honesty is so wonderful. Thank you for writing this and sharing your feelings with all of us, it is a reminder to others, myself included, that we as mother's and wives are not alone in our "issues" within our homes. I too just want the right words to come out of my dh's mouth, but they sometimes don't. Thank you as always for your truthfulness! Hugs!

Sarah

So very tough. Sleep deprivation really changes everything. I've found that my frustration stems from me expecting my hubby to read my mind. So now I've had to literally tell him what he must do during my times of need as in "Get this..." and "Do that..." (he doesn't often get the "feelings" thing so I have to give commands & give him the words "please ask me if I need a break") In fact, I have found that my husband needs me to order my requests in terms of priority or he'll putz around! Men are great, but they lack the ability to multi-task like a mom and need to be spoon fed! Hang in there!

maryellen

Being married is hard work. One thing I have learned is that you can;t make someone "get it". When you have written makes perfect sense to 99% of us can we have all been there! And if someone says they have not they are full of crap...or they are a man:P

Sandra you may just have to forgive Matt for that difficult period after Tahlia came home....it may be the only way to put it behind you.

hugs

michelle

Sandra - my heart just breaks for you reading this post. Do you have my cell number still? Please call me. I can send one of my cousins over to help you out...just to give you a moment of a break. My cousin Sarah is a junior at Mercy and would like to go into pediatrics or veterinary, she is really good with kids. I would highly recommend her even if you stayed at the house and took a shower alone just to give you a break.

She is also good at hugs.

Love you

Two Kayaks

I love you for many reasons, but your honesty is the topper.
I'm so sorry that you felt alone and that it was such a difficult week for you.

Diana

This is why I read your blog..You are SO HONEST!! I look at some blogs and I think "you can not be that flipping HAPPY ALL the time"..There are times I just want to RING my husbands neck and other times I just want to hug him. Men think different then women and look at things in a different way (the wrong way). I have always said "Thank god for girlfriends". Mine is LAYED off and around 24/7 and if we make it through this we can make it through anything:)
Hugs

Jamie

Just because he wasn't there in a way you needed him to be at a time when you really needed him to be, doesn't mean he's a bad guy or that you're saying he's a terrible husband. I totaly understand that. But, I also REALLY, REALLY, REALLY understand how you felt.

I'm in the midst of deciding whether or not to post a similar story on my blog, but my bf also occasionally reads my blog and I'm worried about how he will recieve it.

Right now he's badly injured and I'm taking care of him (and everything else) and at times I'd just like him to be the slightest bit appreciative of what I do without batting an eyelash. I know at times his situation can be more than a bit emmasculating so I try to be sensative, but c'mon!

Okay, now I'm using your blog as a sounding board...I'll stop!

Thanks for sharing! People in the same (or similar) boat really need it!!

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