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Saturday, January 09, 2010

Comments

Tonggu Momma

I don't think any one of us has The Right Answer. It's all about listening to and respecting our childrens' wishes, honoring their pasts and celebrating the family that formed through adoption. It will look different for every family. And it seems to me like it's a huge balancing act that might have to change year by year, even within the same family.

Wanda (At Last...)

I often do things by instinct until someone really makes me think. I took some time to work through why we do (quietly) celebrate Gotcha day and I concluded it can be very separate from abandonment. The reality is (for me)that something very good came out of something very bad - not taking in consideration the cause but more the result (of abandonment). It is a day that is unique for my daughters and our family and should be honored for it's own merit. It's waht works for us. But, I fully accept each family has to work out what works for them.

Thanks for posting this. Good to explore our hearts.

Gretchen

I think following your instincts and listening to your girls as they get older is key. There was a line in the movie where the older mom just didn't want to talk about it anymore and I thought it was so sad she was shutting down that communication with her daughter.

Elise stopped be willing to kiss us on the mouth several months ago (willing to kiss cheeks, etc, just not on the mouth). We'd tease her about it, try to sneak a kiss, ignore it, etc. I finally asked her who she would let kiss her on the mouth and her response was her birthmother. It so hurts my heart, but at age 7 she is clearly trying to process the fact that she has a birthmother that's not the same mom that's in her daily life. I have to honor the way she's decided to deal with it, in the hopes that she'll always know that I support her as she grapples with this tough emotional topic.

We've also celebrated Family Day (the day we were all united at the airport as a family) but it's always been low-key. Maybe dinner out or a special meal at home, but nothing more. It's a small way to honor the unique way we became a family.

Hang in there, my friend. The fact that you are wrestling with this in your mind (and your blog) shows you have the best intentions for your daughter's well-being, both physical and emotional.

Sarah

I think the fact that you are a sensitive and thoughtful person and mother makes all the difference. You like how you are going to celebrate it, in a low key way. You could also call it some variation on "Gotcha" like "Meetcha" or "Family day."

Also your girls will guide you too as you get older. It sounds like they both have the kind of personality that shows they aren't afraid to tell you their feelings and thoughts.

Krista

I think that statement is exactly the balance we need to find. That it's okay to celebrate the adoption, the new beginning, etc...as long as we don't ignore the abandonment part of it. But figuring out how to communicate with our children their truth, their history (or lack of) is the hardest, I think. Figuring out the right words and what's age appropriate, etc.

Briana's Mom

Exactly - follow your instincts. I think it has worked for you so far. :) I know you'll find the right balance for your family.

janice

Hi Sandra..I feel the very same way you do and we do have a bio son but I feel it was an amazing day for our whole family the day our girls came into our family and I don't want to ignore it. Also I know that with Kira being 10 if I were to bring up abandonment to her she would be devestated. She is a VERY sensitive young lady and I am not sure it would be the right thing to do. She knows her story but I have never used the term abandon to our girls as part of their story. I feel that when she is older and can understand more fully we will then share this "word" as part of her story. Back when we adopted Kira everyone always said it would damage the kids to use this term because they could look at it asthough their bp left them for dead and in some cases that might be the case but alot of times our kids are left to be found and that is how I like to think of it all. It's a hard one....Just my thoughts. Janice

tracy

No doubt in my mind you will figure it all out. It is hard, but I like what Debby said about being open to change as the girls grow older. Ultimately, that's what life is all about. =0)

Debby

Know that whatever you decide to do will be right for you in that moment. And, expect the way you honor your family days will change as the girls get older & are able to offer their input how they would prefer to recognize the date.

Maryellen

I think taking that day to honor birth parents is an excellent idea and a good balance. It is hard.

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