Jazzie and Tahlia

Seven years ago...

--- we received Tahlia's referral. Here are the first pictures we ever saw of her:

  

 

 

Just like I've done with Jazzie, I have taken Tahlia's picture with her own referral picture on the anniversary of our referral day every year. Here she is today:

Last year:

2010:

2009:

 

2008:

 

2007:

 

2006:

Happy Referral Day to my sweet girl. It's hard to believe it's been seven years!

Nine years ago on this day...

... we saw Jazzie's face for the very first time:

Since our very first referral anniversary, I have taken Jazzie's picture holding her own referral picture. Here she is this morning:

Last year:

2010:

2009:

2008:

2007:

2006:

2005:

2004:

Happy referral anniversary, Jazzie!

"With arms wide open... now everything has changed; I'll show you love, I'll show you everything." With Arms Wide Open - Creed

Hard stuff

Jazzie has been asking LOTS of questions lately as to what she would look like with blond hair, or with blue eyes, or who she would look like if Matt and I had been her biological parents...

Last night she had some bad nightmares, waking up crying a few times. Turns out she had been dreaming that Matt and I couldn't take care of her anymore and she and Tahlia had to go live with someone else...

She is obviously processing some heavy stuff and I am feeling a bit helpless. All I can do is reassure her that we are a forever family and that we will NEVER leave her. Her response to that was: "Well, it already happened once..."

I've been noticing that she's been distancing herself from her friends and even from us a bit. She's always been guarded, but it's even more so now. I'm afraid she is trying to protect her heart even though she doesn't need to; obviously she does not believe that right now and it is breaking my heart :-(

On a lighter note - when Jazzie was in the shower the other night she washed herself with my soap first and then with Matt's. When I asked her if she just wanted to be extra clean, she responded:

"If I can't look like my parents, at least I can smell like them".

China sisters

We were lucky to meet up with one of Jazzie's orphanage sisters a few days ago... I cannot tell you how special it is to see them together, knowing they shared the first 9 months of their lives together in China....

Family Day

With all the excitement of our family reunion in Maryland, I didn't mention anything about the fact that Tahlia joined our family 6 years ago on July 3...

Hard to believe that she started out as such a sad, timid looking little girl:

The picture below was taken exactly 6 years later than the one above. My girl has grown into a happy, vivacious (almost) 7 year old:

One thing has never changed however. She LOVED the pool while at the White Swan Hotel in China:

And she still loves it today.

Happy belated Family Day to my beautiful girl...

Six years ago today...

... we received Tahlia's referral. Here are the first pictures we ever saw of her:

  

 

 

You may know that it was not love at first sight. I had fallen in love with Jazzie immediately upon seeing her pictures, but it was so different when I looked at Tahlia's. I tried really hard to feel something for this girl that was staring back at me, but the truth is that I felt nothing. I had haunting thoughts of there being some sort of mistake and up until the very moment that I saw Tahlia for the first time in China, I had doubts whether or not all of this was meant to be. However, upon taking her in my arms, all those doubts went away. She is my girl and I love her and there is no doubt that she was meant to be with us.

I have taken Tahlia's picture with her own referral picture on the anniversary of our referral day every year. Here she is today:

Last year:

2009:

 

2008:

 

2007:

 

2006:

Happy Referral Day to my sweet girl. It's hard to believe it's been six years!

Back home

Well, I got back from The Netherlands yesterday. Even thought the trip was short, it was good. My dad had some complications with his blood, so they had to delay the surgery until tomorrow. Even though I wish I could have been for the surgery, I am glad I got to at least see my family. My dad was SO happy to see me and I was thankful that I could be there for my mom. I was able to drive her to the hospital several times a day (she doesn't drive) and it was nice to be with her in the evening, so she didn't have to be alone. I also got to spend time with my sister and her family. It was great. My dad still has a long road ahead of him, but I will feel much better knowing that he came through the surgery alright.

With me being gone, I did not have an opportunity to blog about an important event. This past Saturday marked 8 years since Jazzie joined our family.

May 14, 2003:

It's hard to believe that I have been lucky enough to call this girl my daughter for 8 years now.

Happy Family Day, Jazzie. I love you :-)

And just in case anyone has not seen it, here is our travel video:

 

Tough

Last night at dinner, Jazzie asked if teenagers could be adopted. That question led to many more questions about her own adoption. Jazzie always is full of questions and last night a lot of them were deep and tough to answer.

I think that last night, for the first time, Jazzie understood on a deeper level what happened to her as a baby. She realized that she was abandoned somewhere in China and that her birthparents (for whatever reason) walked away. I could see the shock, disbelief and sadness on her face.

She asked me who found her and where exactly she was left. When I told her that the name of the person and a picture of her finding spot is in her lifebook, she wanted to see it immediately. Now, I have had this lifebook ready for Jazzie since she was two years old and she has looked at it before, but not for a while. So last night, Jazzie and I sat on her bed and looked at her lifebook together.

She was able to see pictures of her SWI and also several pictures of her while she was living there. We sent a disposable camera after receiving her referral, so we have quite a few pictures of Jazzie's daily life inside the SWI. 

After studying each picture, Jazzie turned the page and there was a picture of her finding spot. Of course there were lots more questions and we talked about the one child policy and what some of the reasons might have been for her birth parents not being able to keep her. Matt explained to her that in China people are allowed to have only one child and that if people have more than one child, they might have to pay a fine or even go to jail. This prompted Jazzie to say: "But why didn't they just keep me? I wouldn't have told on them"....

This is so hard. It breaks my heart to know that my girl is realizing more and more what the reality of her past is. I can only hope that I am saying the right things. When I asked her how all of this made her feel she responded with "a little curious". Me too; more than a little...

Eight years ago today...

... we saw Jazzie's face for the very first time:

  

Since our very first referral anniversary, I have taken Jazzie's picture holding her own referral picture. Here she is this morning:

Last year: 

2009:

2008:

2007:
  

2006:
  

2005:
  

2004:

Happy referral anniversary, Jazzie.

"With arms wide open... now everything has changed; I'll show you love, I'll show you everything."

With Arms Wide Open - Creed

Lunchroom conversation

After volunteering in Tahlia's classroom today, I stayed to have lunch with her. The girl that was sitting next to Tahlia kept looking at me, then at Tahlia, then back at me, etc. She finally exclaimed: "Hey! How come Tahlia has Chinese eyes and you don't?" I told her that it's because I wasn't born in China. "Tahlia, is that your real mommy then?", the girl asked. Tahlia responded with "Of course she is!" (that's my girl!). Another girl that was sitting across from Tahlia who also happens to be adopted (I'll call her S.), said: "She just wasn't born from her mommy's belly; just like me. I was born from my real mommy's belly in China." I was surprised to hear S. refer to her biological mother as her "real mother". 

Of course I took the opportunity to explain what I believe a real mother is and I think the kids got it :-) Another girl was so cute when she responded in disbelief when I mentioned that Tahlia was adopted: "What? Tahlia is adopted?!?!? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

I love first graders :-)

China Sister Reunion

On Saturday we got together with two of the families from Jazzie's travel group. We live relatively close to eachother and we try to get together twice a year. Once at Christmas and once around 4th of July. So, yesterday we traveled deep into the boonies of Kentucky to spend a wonderful day with two of Jazzie's China sisters and their families...

Tire swing fun:

After a lunch of grilled hamburgers and hot dogs, it was time to swim. Don't you just love the hillbilly dive board??

Time to go for a ride:

Enjoying some pretty scenery:

 

The girls went fishing for the very first time (we are city girls!)...

Jazzie's first fish:

Jazzie did not want to have anything to do with touching the fish...

...but had a lot of patience waiting for a bite.

Tahlia on the other hand had NO trouble touching the fish or digging through the container for worms ;-)

 

When all was said and done, these city slickers had a wonderful time in the country. We love seeing Jazzie's China sisters and their families and we can't wait to do it all over again.

Five years ago...

 ... we held Tahlia in our arms for the first time and cried happy, happy tears:

LOVE:

In China:

Referral Anniversary

Five years ago today, we received Tahlia's referral. I honestly don't remember much about the day and if it hadn't been for the fact that I wrote it on the calender, I might have totally forgotten about it. Unlike Jazzie's referral day which is still so ingrained in my mind, I remember very little about Tahlia's. When we were waiting for Tahlia, I was just so busy with taking care of Jazzie and I wasn't consumed by the wait like I was with Jazzie. But when the call came on May 23, 2005 I was just as emotional and happy as I was the day that we received Jazzie's referral.

However, when I first saw Tahlia's referral pictures I was taken back by the fact that I wasn't sure how I felt about this child. I had fallen in love with Jazzie's referral pictures immediately and I had expected the same thing to happen upon seeing Tahlia's referral pictures, but it didn't. I stared and stared at her pictures, trying to feel something. I felt guilty for not falling in love with her. I couldn't sleep at night because I wasn't even sure if the girl in these pictures was really my daughter:

  

 

 

I had haunting thoughts of there being some sort of mistake and up until the very moment that I saw Tahlia for the first time in China, I had doubts whether or not all of this was meant to be. Of course, upon taking her in my arms, all those doubts went away. She is my girl and I love her and there is no doubt that she was meant to be with us.

I have taken Tahlia's picture with her own referral picture on the anniversary of our referral day every year. Here she is today:

Last year:

 

2008:

 

2007:

 

2006:

Black and White/Memory Wednesday

It was exactly 7 years ago that we were in China for Jazzie. I was thinking that this may even be the anniversary of the day of Jazzie's medical exam in Guangzhou. I am not exactly sure of the date. I looked back at my pictures of our trip and there are no pictures for May 20 at all, so there is a good chance that the anniversary might actually be tomorrow. The day of her medical exam was difficult and emotional, so I don't think I was in a mood to take any pictures. I mentioned Jazzie's medical exam in this post, and I thought I would do a post on how I suspected there was a hearing loss.

I knew the first day that Jazzie was deaf. I really did. Over the years I have met many parents of deaf children who didn't find out their child was deaf until they were older. Sometimes it took years for them to realize it. I do not understand how that is possible, because I KNEW that first day. The moment we got Jazzie, she was really calm. She never cried; she just looked around. She was also very quiet. I didn't think much of it until we got to the hotel room and started interacting with her. I noticed that she wasn't really interested in anything that made sounds. I noticed she never looked up whenever there was any kind of noise. She never turned her head towards any sounds. At the time I thought it was strange and I remember thinking that there might be a hearing problem. On the other hand, I also realized that her life had just been turned up side down and that Jazzie might just be shutting down to deal with her grief. The suspicion stayed in the back of my head and for the first couple of days I didn't say anything. Not even to Matt. I kept doing little "experiments" to see if she could hear and they failed every time. By day three I knew for sure there was a problem. I told Matt about it and after doing some more "experiments", he agreed.

The thing is that we really didn't care at the time. NEVER for a single moment did we consider mentioning anything to our guide. Our biggest fear was that if we were to say anything at all, that we were not going to be able to keep Jazzie because we were not approved in our homestudy to adopt a special needs child. So we kept on going as if nothing was wrong. As the days went on I did worry about what kind of life Jazzie was going to have. I knew nothing about cochlear implants at the time and my biggest worry was how she was going to be able to communicate with our family. In our e-mails and phone calls from China, we never said anything to anybody. All we wanted to do was get Jazzie home so that we could see what kind of hearing loss she had and what we were going to be able to do about it. I was hoping at the time that she might simply have fluid or wax in her ears that prevented her from hearing. Whatever the case would be, we did not care. We loved her and wanted her home.

Then the day of the medical exam came. I remember being nervous that day. I was already on edge all the time because of SARS and now I was worried that people were going to find out about Jazzie's hearing loss and what the consequences were going to be. I sat down with Jazzie on my lap and a doctor shook a rattle next to Jazzie's ear. Nothing. He shook the rattle on the other side and once again: nothing. I saw the look of confusion/concern on the doctor's face and I knew that Jazzie wasn't going to pass the test. After doing some more tests of making noises for Jazzie and getting absolutely no response from her, the doctor went over to what I assume was a supervisor. Before I knew it, there were about half a dozen people surrounding us. They were all talking to each other, shaking things by Jazzie's ears and talking to our guide. I clearly remember one of the doctors asking me: "Do you think this baby can hear?". I simply answered: "I am not sure". I was darn sure that she could not, but I was afraid to say those words. I was scared to death they were going to take her from us. At this point our guide took us aside and asked if we still wanted Jazzie. I started to cry. Of course we still wanted her. Our guide said he would have to talk to the director of our agency and the rest is kind of a blur. I remember walking back to the hotel crying. Our travel mates were in shock and didn't really know what to say, but were very supportive. 

Back at the hotel our guide once again asked us if we wanted to keep Jazzie. I also remember him saying that we could have another baby by the next day. Once again, I started to cry. I think it might be at this point that I got angry and told him that I did not want anybody asking me that question again. I wanted Jazzie and Jazzie only. That evening, back in the hotel, we got a phone call from the director of our adoption agency. Matt took the call and I heard him say: "You don't even have to ask me the question". He later told me that the director told him that he knew what our answer was going to be, but that he had to ask. After he heard directly from us that we wanted to keep Jazzie, he got in contact with our social worker. She wrote a home study addendum stating we were approved for a special needs child and faxed it to China. The following morning Matt took the addendum along with our other paperwork to the US Consulate. At the time, only one parent was allowed to go the consulate, so Jazzie and I stayed behind at the hotel. When Matt walked through the door with Jazzie's visa, I cried again. This time they were tears of relief.

It was such an emotional time, but tell me: how could we possibly NOT want to keep this girl?

Thanks to my husband Matt for filling in the blanks I was having in the comments section below ;-)

To see more wonderful black and white photo's, go here:

Out of the blue

...Jazzie says: "Mom, do you know what is weird? I came out of my Chinese mother's belly and I have never even met her." 

I was a bit bewildered, but then asked her: "So how does that make you feel?" She immediately asked me how that makes me feel. I told her that I a feel sad that I have never met her, because I would love to know who she is and what she is like. I asked Jazzie again how it makes her feel and she just answered: "It just makes me feel weird". She is quiet for a moment and asks me if I think her birth mother has long, black hair. I just answered that I am pretty sure that it is black, but that I am not sure if it's long or short. Jazzie then asks me again why it is that we don't know where her birth mother is. "Can't we just send her an e-mail?"

If only things were that simple. I wish I had some good answers for my girl...

 

Black and White Wednesday/Seven years ago...

 

Seven years ago on this day, we got the call that would change our lives forever. I will never forget when the phone rang that morning and I was told that we had a daughter waiting for us in Hunan. She was only 8 months old and she was beautiful. I was not expecting our referral call to come for another few weeks, so it was a huge surprise. I broke down in a big puddle of tears upon hearing the news. It is hard to believe that at the time we had waited the longest amount of time ever in the China adoption program: 13 months. Absolutely nothing compared to how long other families are waiting right now....

March 31, 2003 will always be one of the happiest days of my life.

Th song "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed was very popular at the time of our referral, and to this day I cannot listen to the song without getting teary eyed, because the words were and are still so fitting for that day. And as I am writing this post, the song is on the radio. How wild is that??

"Well I just heard the news today.
It seems my life is going to change.
I close my eyes; begin to pray.
Then tears of joy fall down my face".

And here we are today, 7 years later and Jazzie has indeed changed our lives in ways I never imagined. We did not expect to get a hearing impaired child, but it has ended up to be one of our biggest blessings. Jazzie has taught us so much about strength, perseverance and being brave.

  

Since our very first referral anniversary, I have taken Jazzie's picture holding her own referral picture. Here she is this morning:

  

Last year:

2008:

2007:
  

2006:
  

2005:
  

2004:

Happy referral anniversary, Jazzie. Daddy and I love you SO much.

"With arms wide open... now everything has changed; I'll show you love, I'll show you everything."

Click here to see more Black and White Wednesday entries:

A lot to consider

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for leaving your insightful comments after my last post. Like I was trying to say, I feel very torn on how to deal with celebrating Gotcha Days. I do agree with those who mentioned that it is different when you have no biological children in the mix. I think that if you do, the child who was adopted might feel really different and might feel that attention is drawn to something that might not be a happy thing to them.

I also agree however, that the day we became a family is something that can be seen as a new beginning for everyone; a happy beginning. I also agree that my girls suffered their loss long before they joined our family. For Tahlia that was the day of her birth. Obviously, I am not going to NOT celebrate her birthday because of that.

I just can't help but have the line from the documentary go through my head: "Adoption is celebrated; abandonment is ignored". I want to honor and celebrate the fact that we became a family. I don't want to let Gotcha Days go by as any other ordinary day. But I also don't want to make too big of a deal about them. That is why I thought that lighting a candle in honor of the birth parents and going out to dinner to a restaurant of the girls' choice would be a good balance. I definitely would like that day to be a more private day. A day that is just for us as a family. As far as the abandonment goes, I don't want to shove the fact that they were abandoned down the girls' throats. I don't want it to be something we dwell on, but I do want it to be out there.

I am really struggling with this. I don't know what is enough, what is too much and what is too little. I guess the only thing I can do is do what I have always done that I know works; following my instincts...

Thanks again. This adoption community is a great place to learn.

A reason to celebrate or not?

After watching the documentary Adopted and reading this insightful post written by T., I've been thinking a lot about whether we should continue celebrating Gotcha Days or not. Don't get me wrong, we have never made a really big deal about the girls' Gotcha Days; there are no parties and/or presents, but we have made it out to be a happy day for our family. Having watched "Adopted", I now understand that even though it was a happy day for us, the girls suffered a loss which should not be ignored.

I totally agree that adoption is a part of our girls, but it certainly does not define them. I definitely do not want to celebrate a day that reminds the girls that they suffered a loss which may cause them pain and/or sadness. However, I also do not want to ignore the way they came to us. May 14 and July 3 will forever be days that are ingrained in my mind, because they were two of the happiest days of my life. For me. But what about the girls? I have been struggling with this a lot. Tahlia was abandoned on her birthday, so should we not celebrate her birthday because that was the day that she suffered an immense loss? Jazzie was abandoned 5 weeks after her birth. Another loss. I honestly never gave too much thought to their losses and the effects of them until Matt and I watched "Adopted".

Which brings me back to our Gotcha Days. Matt and I talked about it and I think we will change the way we will spend those days. Instead of celebrating them, we will make them a day of honor and remembrance. We will light a candle for the girls' birth parents. I will no longer say what a great and special day it is (even though it is for me). I find this to be an incredibly difficult and complex topic. On the one hand I want to acknowledge the loss that comes along with adoption, but I also want to continue talking about adoption in a positive way with the girls, because it is a beautiful and amazing thing. Adoption doesn't define them, but it is how they came to us. I don't want to ignore it. I don't want my girls to grow up in a home where we didn't celebrate the miracle of adoption in some way; we just won't do it on their Gotcha Days anymore.

Thank you T. for making me think and thank you Barb Lee especially, for opening my eyes.

Adopted

The other night, Matt and I watched the documentary "Adopted", by Barb Lee. Here is the trailer:

After watching the documentary and the training DVD that came along with it, we were left stunned. It was truly eye opening. Haunting even.

Here is another excerpt:

I will admit that I was pretty naive before adopting Jazzie and Tahlia. And even though I have learned a lot since then and I have come to realize that there are complexities with adoption, this film made me realize there are a LOT more things to learn and consider. Here are some quotes that stood out for me and left me feeling haunted:

"Adoption is celebrated. Abandonment is ignored".

Wow. That is a powerful and true statement. In our family we have always celebrated the girls' adoption days and referral days. I never really stopped and thought about the fact that we are not talking about the fact that they were abandoned and that the girls might feel really sad and confused about that. Sure, the days we got both our girls were amazing and wonderful and happy for us, but what about the fact that they lost their first family? Which brings me to the next quote:

"You only got her because she was abandoned and she knows that at a much younger age than you can ever imagine".

I never thought about it that way, but it is true. We would not have had Jazzie and Tahlia as our daughters had they not been abandoned. It's tough, but that is the way it is. I think we need to be honest about this with them and not sweep it under the carpet. After watching this film I realize that we owe it to the girls to talk about their abandonment. Adoption is not a fairy tale. You can romanticize it all you want, but the truth is that they suffered a loss in order for me to be their mother. "No adoption story has a happy beginning. Kids don't get adopted of everything is going well in their first family". Powerful words, but very true.

Part of the training DVD dealt with race and stereotypes. It opened my eyes. I know now that I need to bring up the topic of racism before Jazzie and Tahlia are faced with it, because they will be. They interviewed some college boys about the prospect of marrying an Asian woman and some of them said that their parents and/or grandparents would have a hard time with it. It just reminded me that there are older generations in particular, who would look down on my girls, just because of the fact that they are Chinese. There was a part in the DVD where the film makers talked to men about what they thought of Asian women. Barb Lee warned the viewers: "Brace yourselves". Wow, that was really hard to watch. Call me naive, but I had no idea men really thought that way. And even though I cringe at the thought of what they said, I am glad I know now so that I can start thinking about how I can prepare my daughters for it.

Another eye opener for me was when they had an activity where they asked an adoptee to drop one colored bead in a cup that represented herself. She placed a yellow bead in the cup. She was then asked to drop in white beads representing her parents, siblings, teachers, dentist, doctors, etc. She ended up with a cup full of white beads and one yellow bead. When I look at my girls and think about them doing that same activity, it is painful to realize that besides a few beads representing their cousin and a couple of friends, their cup would be filled with white beads. How does that make them feel? In the movie they talk about how a lot of parents say that they don't see race when they adopt their children, they just see their children. I have been guilty of saying the same thing, but I realize now that I NEED to see race. Other people see it, so I should too.

One more quote that has stuck with me was during the training session called "Intentions". It talked about why parents chose to adopt. It left me feeling a bit uncomfortable because I did have thoughts like "I really wanted a girl". I don't think I ever really thought about what it meant to adopt a child from a different race/culture. Raising children who are adopted is not the same as raising biological children. It is very complex. In the film it was said: "The reason for adopting a child should be to give a child a family; not for the family to have a child." Families for children, not children for families.

Please try and see this film. It will open your eyes. It did mine...

Why wouldn't I?

Why wouldn't everyone?

Jazzie's adoption video

After struggling to figure out how to upload our adoption video's to the blog, I was finally able to put Jazzie's video on YouTube. I am still working on trying to get Tahlia's on there as well.

I have put a link to the video in the sidebar on the left, but here it is now. I still can't watch the moment of me holding Jazzie for the first time without crying. It was such a powerful moment...

Out of the blue...

... Jazzie mentions to me this morning that she wishes she had grown inside my belly. What? Where is this coming from?

I took her in my arms and told her that I sometimes wish she had as well, but that she grew in my heart instead and that I could not love her any more even if she had grown inside me. Then she asked me what her Chinese mommy and daddy look like. We have had similar conversations many times, but I thought this one was going to be different. Something about Jazzie's face told me that she was really thinking about some things. So I carry Jazzie to the couch, put her on my lap and get ready for what I think is going to be a deep conversation. I once again tell Jazzie that if she has any questions, she should never hesitate to ask them and that I will answer them the best I can. Jazzie thinks about it for a moment, then says: "I have no questions, because you are my mom and daddy is my daddy".

And that was it for the deep conversation I thought we were going to have. Even though Jazzie is obviously thinking about how she came to be with us, to her I'm her mom and Matt's her dad.

Sometimes it's just as simple as that.

An annual tradition

Ever since Jazzie has been home, part of her Forever Family Day celebration has consisted of a celebration with our good friends who brought home their oldest daughter from China around the same time we brought Jazzie home. We see each other often for "Family Pizza Night", but when it's the girls' Forever Family Day, we celebrate with an extra special dessert and sing "Happy Family Day to you" to the tune of Happy Birthday :-) This past Friday we celebrated Forever Family Day number 6:

 

 

 

Four years ago on this day...

...we received Tahlia's referral. I honestly don't remember much about the day and if it hadn't been for the fact that I wrote it on the calender, I might have totally forgotten about it. Unlike Jazzie's referral day which is still so ingrained in my mind, I remember very little about Tahlia's. When we were waiting for Tahlia, I was just so busy with taking care of Jazzie and I wasn't consumed by the wait like I was with Jazzie. But when the call came on May 23, 2005 I was just as emotional and happy as I was the day that we received Jazzie's referral.

However, when I first saw Tahlia's referral pictures I was taken back by the fact that I wasn't sure how I felt about this child. I had fallen in love with Jazzie's referral pictures immediately and I had expected the same thing to happen upon seeing Tahlia's referral pictures, but it didn't. I stared and stared at her pictures, trying to feel something. I felt guilty for not falling in love with her. I couldn't sleep at night because I wasn't even sure if the girl in these pictures was really my daughter:

 

 

 

I had haunting thoughts of there being some sort of mistake and up until the very moment that I saw Tahlia for the first time in China, I had doubts whether or not all of this was meant to be. Of course, upon taking her in my arms, all those doubts went away. She is my girl and I love her and there is no doubt that she was meant to be with us.

Just like I've done with with Jazzie, I have taken Tahlia's picture with her referral picture on the anniversary of our referral day. Here she is today:

 

And last year:

 

2007:

 

2006:

 

Happy Referral Day, Tahlia. We love you so much!

6 years ago...

On May 14th, 2003 we finally got to hold Jazzie in our arms. It was one of the most overwhelming and emotional moments of my entire life. From the moment I held her close to me, I knew I would do anything for this child and that I would love her forever. Happy Forever Family Day, Jasmine Mei Chun. We love you so very much...

Here are some pictures of that day:

Catching a first glimpse of the babies (Jazzie is on the far left even though we did not know it at the time):

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back in the room (after removing her quilted snow suit in 90 degree weather):

She was such a tiny peanut; barely weighing 13 pounds. 

 

The orphanage staff came to our hotel room to answer questions:

 

Here we are six years later and she has grown SO much. She used to fit perfectly in daddy's arms :-)

May 14, 2003:

I guess she still does. May 14, 2009:
 

Jazzie:

We honor your birthparents who gave you life. They will always be a part of you. When you look in the mirror you will see them in your midnight hair, your sparkling brown eyes and your beautiful smile. We will always be thankful to your FIRST family for bringing you safely into the world so that we could be your FOREVER family.

Earlier pictures

I always love it when I read blogs where people have received updated information and/or pictures of their newly referred children. We never got any updated information/pictures of Jazzie or Tahlia. Even though we have Jazzie's finding ad, at the time Hunan did not add any pictures, so we have no earlier pictures of Jazzie. We do have a picture with Tahlia's finding ad, but it is blurry, small and in black and white and it could be any baby as far as I'm concerned, since I do not recognize her in that picture whatsoever.

A few months after returning home from China with Tahlia, I was contacted by someone who traveled to Tahlia's orphanage before we did and who thought that she recognized Tahlia in some of the pictures she took. She e-mailed them to me and this time there was no doubt in my mind that it was my baby girl. Even though I am glad to have them, the pictures make me really sad when I look at them and I think it would have made the wait to travel that much harder if I had seen these before:

 

 

 
This picture makes me particularly sad. From the sad look on her face to the haunting eyes and to the wooden board she spent all of her days on for almost a year. I still cannot look at it for very long...

March 31, 2003...

Six years ago on this day, we got the call that would change our lives forever. I will never forget when the phone rang that morning and I was told that we had a daughter waiting for us in Hunan. She was only 8 months old and she was beautiful.

I remember totally breaking down on the phone; I was just so happy and relieved that our time had finally come.

Our referral day is a day that I will never forget and now there are several blogger friends that are about to finally receive their referrals and I for one could not be more thrilled, because I know how special it is to finally get that call and learn all about the child you have been dreaming for so long. March 31, 2003 will always be one of the happiest days of my life.

Th song "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed was very popular at the time of our referral, and to this day I get teary eyed when I hear it on the radio, because the words were and are still so fitting for that day.

"Well I just heard the news today.
It seems my life is going to change.
I close my eyes; begin to pray.
Then tears of joy fall down my face".

And here we are today, 6 years later and Jazzie has indeed changed our lives in ways I never imagined. She has taught us so much about strength, perseverance and being brave.

  

Since our very first referral anniversary, I have taken Jazzie's picture holding her own referral picture. Here she is this morning:

Last year:

2007:
  

2006:
  

2005:
  

2004:

Happy referral anniversary, my sweet and beautiful Jazzie.

"With arms wide open... now everything has changed; I'll show you love, I'll show you everything."

What I have always told Jazzie

After my post about Jazzie standing in front of her class discussing her adoption with such confidence, I got several e-mails from people wondering what I have done and what I have told Jazzie to instill that confidence in her about her past.

To be honest, I don't know what exactly I did that has caused Jazzie to be so proud and confident, but I can tell you what I have always done from the moment Jazzie came in our lives. From the very beginning, I have always talked to Jazzie about us traveling to China to get her. I have always talked about China, since we have a lot of artwork and artifacts from China in our home, which evoke conversations. I have never NOT talked about it. From the very beginning I have read adoption books to Jazzie and I always pointed out similarities between Jazzie and things that were happening in the books.

I have never been afraid to talk about her adoption or her birth parents. I have a friend who has trouble even saying the word "birth mother". Even though I am Jazzie's mother in every sense that is important, the truth is that I did not give birth to her and there is another family out there. So why deny that? Why not talk about it? I have never forced anything down Jazzie's throat, but I have always been honest and open and I have always taken the time to mention something about her adoption, China or her birth parents whenever the opportunity has presented itself. As long as Jazzie knows that I have no problem talking about it, she will hopefully not have a problem talking about it as well.

Now that Jazzie is older, she is asking a lot more questions, and I am always honest. I have never tried to romanticize her beginnings. Often times I have to answer her questions with "I don't know", because we really don't know much. I have also talked to Jazzie about the one child policy. She might be too young to fully understand, but I want her to knowthat her birth parents made a choice. Sure, I tell Jazzie that I think her birth mother loved her, but she still made a choice to not keep Jazzie because of the circumstances. It breaks my heart to imagine how Jazzie feels to know that someone decided not to keep her, but I think it is better to be honest and try not to sugarcoat things. I don't want to tell her a different story now because she is young and might not understand. Jazzie is very bright and a deep thinker and she understand more than most people give her credit for. I want her to be able to say later: "My mom was honest about everything for as long as I can remember". I struggled with knowing in my heart that I was doing the right thing by telling Jazzie about the one child policy and families preferring a boy at such a young age. But I recently read some writings by an adult adoptee who struggled with the fact that she was always told that her birth parents loved her, but then didn't understand why her birthparents didn't keep her. If they really loved her, why not keep her then? After reading that, I knew that I did the right thing by discussing this with the girls. They need to understand there was a choice involved.

I have also always told her that it is okay to be sad or mad and that it doesn't bother me if she is and that I understand. The last thing she needs is a guilt trip from her mother. I try to keep Jazzie's and Tahlia's birthparents' memory alive by putting up a special tree each Christmas in honor of them. The girls know this and understand what it stands for. We celebrate Chinese holidays (with just our family or some close friends) to keep their heritage alive. We decorate the house with items that we purchased in China. This also keeps the conversation open since it gives me an opportunity to talk about Chinese customs and traditions.

From the very first year that the girls were at school, I asked their teachers if I could come in and talk about China and adoption. Jazzie and I would talk about what we were going to discuss with the class and then we would give the presentation together. Teachers are very open to this kind of thing and welcome it. I have always been very involved in Jazzie's school (and now Tahlia's), so Jazzie has watched me and listened to me talk about China and adoption over the years and now wants to do it herself. I do make sure that it is okay with Jazzie if we talk about it to other people (I want it to be her choice) and she has always been very excited to do so.

I make sure the girls understand that they get certain traits from Matt and myself (the way they talk for instance), but that a lot of things are only theirs and that they might have come from their birth parents. Jazzie for instance will often mention that I am the only one in the family with blond hair. I in turn will then mention that I got my blond hair from my mom and that she got her black hair from her Chinese mother. Just the other day she asked me why she was deaf and I told her that she was born that way and that I wonder sometimes if someone in her Chinese family is deaf. I just want her to know that I wonder about her birthparents, so it's okay if she does as well.  I have always used the term "Chinese mother". I want to honor the women who gave birth to my daughters. For their sake. I want them to know that I am not threatened by them (even though we will probably never know who they are) and I want my girls to know that I respect their birth parents.

I was talking about all of this to a friend yesterday morning and I asked her if she ever thinks about her daughter's birth parents. Her answer was "never. I am her mother". I agree, but how could you NOT think about them? At least, I can't. Her daughter has also never asked any questions and my friend is always surprised when I tell her how often Jazzie does ask things. To me it seems like if you don't open the door and let your kids know that it is okay to talk about it, they won't.

Like I said before, I have never forced any conversations on the girls. It is more in the little things and it is never planned. These kind of things do not come up very often. But when they do, I think it is important to talk about it honestly and openly and with lots of reassurance. We have always told the girls that we were meant to be a family. Forever. It was decided a long time ago that we would be together and that the way we became a family might not have been the "traditional" way, but it was a lot more special.

She's listening

Remember Jazzie's homework assignment? Well, while dropping Jazzie off at school yesterday, her teacher pulled me aside and told me about what happened in class when Jazzie was describing the pictures in her timeline.

The very first picture is when I first got to hold Jazzie in China. This sparked a lot of questions from the class: "You are adopted"?? "You were born in China?" It's funny how after all this time, the kids have never put two and two together. Jazzie's teacher told me how Jazzie stood in front of the rest of the class and answered all the kids' questions, filled with confidence and pride.

I am so proud. All our talks with Jazzie about how she came to join our family have done their job. I have always been honest with Jazzie when she asks questions and my hope has always been (and will continue be) for my girls to be able to talk about their adoption story without fears, anger or shame. I want them to be proud and confident.

It sounds like Jazzie is well on her way.

Adoption language

We've all heard about positive adoption language. To be honest, before we adopted Jazzie I was probably guilty of using some negative adoption language myself. However, I have learned a lot since we've had the girls. "Real mother" versus "birth mother" is one that comes up a lot. Since it is true that I find the question whether or not I am Jazzie's and Tahlia's "real mother" a bit offensive, I also know that (most) people don't mean to be offensive when they ask it. Lately I've had a lot of people ask whether or not Jazzie and Tahlia are "real sisters". I usually just answer "yes" and leave it at that, or I say something like "yes, they are real sisters, just not biologically related" if I want the person to know that they have just used some poor adoption terminology. I don't think I am as sensitive to it anymore as I once was.

The other day I was reading a blog and came across the term "metcha day", instead of "gotcha day". The author found the term gotcha day not politically correct and thought that metcha day was more appropriate. To each their own, but I think that is being a bit overly sensitive. The author listed some definitions of "gotcha" from the dictionary:

Used to indicate understanding or to signal the fact of having caught or defeated another.

 

A game or endeavor in which one party seeks to catch another out, as in a mistake or lie.

 

Okay, so anyone who has adopted and has experienced the day we saw our children for the first time, will agree that there are lot of words we can use to describe our emotions, but none of them are "defeat", "mistake" or "lie". Another definition given:

 

- that one has caught, captured, or gained power over someone or something.

For me this almost holds true, but the other way around. My girls have captured my heart and soul. I have never known a love so deep.

 

I have no problem with people wanting to call the day they first got to meet their children "Metcha Day" (it is after all the day you met your child). A friend of mine refers to it as "Forever Family Day" and my neighbor refers to it as her son's "Adoption Birthday". And while I like to say "Family Day" myself, I do not agree that the term "Gotcha Day" is inappropriate or offensive.

 

I've gotcha and you've got me.

I've had you in my heart for a long time, but now I've finally gotcha in my arms.

I've now gotcha in my life where we are meant to be together. Forever.

I've gotcha and I'm never letting go...

 
  
  

 

Our "China Tree"

Every year I put up a small Christmas tree in our kitchen and I let the girls decorate it with ornaments that we bought in China. Some are from Hunan and some are from Guangdong. I started this tradition the first year that Jazzie was home. Each year we hang the ornaments in honor of the girls' birth parents.

I am not sure how much it means to them yet, but it means a lot to me...

 

  

  

  

  

 

Doing my part

I remember struggling with paperwork regarding both of our adoptions all too well. However, it is nothing compared to what people are dealing with these days with the new China guidelines and the Hague Convention. I won't explain it all here. Most likely, you are already aware. I do want to share a link with everyone where you can a sign petition so that people don't have to file for yet another form and to prevent people from having to start the process all over again or see their dreams of adoption come to an end. I am probably not explaining myself correctly, but my friend Krista has more information on her blog. I would hate to see her dreams of Mia crumble because of this I-600a-I-800a stuff.  You can sign the petition here. Just because I have my girls at home doesn't mean I won't support other parents who are having a dream that we now are living. Please take a moment to sign the petition. I did and it didn't take me but a minute.

First clothes

For the past five years I have kept the outfit that Jazzie was wearing on the day we got her, in a Ziplock bag in her closet. The same goes for Tahlia's outfit; it has been sitting in her closet for the past three years. I finally figured out something better to do with them. I put them in shadow boxes and hung them on the wall in our play room.

Jazzie came to us in pajama's and a quilted snow suit (split pants in both), despite the 90 degree weather:

After peeling off the first layer:

And here is her outfit today:  

Tahlia on the other hand came to us wearing a very Western outfit: a little sun dress made by Carters:

And here it is today:

Every time the girls go down to their playroom, they can see their outfits and I love that I am able to look at them every day. They obviously bring back a lot of wonderful memories.

(For those of you interested: I got the shadow boxes at Hobby Lobby (they were 50% off this week), but I'm sure Michael's has them as well).

Three years ago...

...I first got to hold my Talley. As you may know, I wasn't in love with her referral pictures, and I really wasn't sure about how I was going to feel when I first saw her. When we first got to the Guangdong Register of Adoption, we saw a group of babies and children and our travel group (including myself) was convinced that those were our babies. I thought I recognized Tahlia and was struck by how big she was. This wasn't a baby, this was a toddler. A toddler who was walking already. This was not at all what I had imagined her to be like and I didn't feel like this was my child what-so-ever. The other parents in our group were so excited when we were waiting in that small room to receive our children, but I was so apprehensive. When they called our name, Matt had to literally push me forward. I remember walking up to the door, being so afraid that I was going to reject this child. Then the orphanage director brought in this adorable, little baby with the chubbiest cheeks and the prettiest smile. This was my Tahlia! It was not the little girl I had seen earlier; this was my daughter. I took her in my arms and cried happy, happy tears:

Yes, I was in love:

  

 

Tahlia, three years ago I became your mommy and I am so glad you came into our lives. Your smile lit up our world then and it still does today. Thank you for being such a happy and funny girl and for making our family complete. We love you so much!

In China:

Our Third Referral Anniversary

When I was checking my calender earlier this week, I realized that it was three years ago today that we received Tahlia's referral. Isn't it funny how I remember every single detail of Jazzie's referral day, but almost forgot Tahlia's? When we were waiting for Tahlia, I had been keeping busy with taking care of Jazzie and I wasn't consumed by the wait like I was with Jazzie. But when the call came on May 23, 2005 I was just as emotional and happy as I was the day that we received Jazzie's referral.

However, when I first saw Tahlia's referral pictures I was taken back by the fact that I wasn't sure how I felt about this child. I had fallen in love with Jazzie's referral pictures immediately and I had expected the same thing to happen upon seeing Tahlia's referral pictures, but it didn't. I stared and stared at her pictures, trying to feel something. I couldn't sleep at night because I wasn't even sure if the girl in these pictures was really my daughter:

I had haunting thoughts of there being some sort of mistake and up until the very moment that I saw Tahlia for the first time in China, I had doubts whether or not all of this was meant to be. Of course, upon taking her in my arms, all those doubts went away. She is my girl and I love her.

Just like with Jazzie, I have taken Tahlia's picture with her referral picture on the anniversary of our referral day. Here she is today:

And last year:

And the year before that:

   

Tahlia, I want you to know that where there was once doubt, there is now only certainty. Certainty that I love you, that I am meant to be your mom and that you are meant to be my girl... And where there was once fear, there is now love; heartwarming love for you.

5 years ago

Five years ago today, Matt and I were standing in a hotel room in the HuaTian Hotel in Changsha, Hunan. We were across the room from a group of people from the Youxian SWI holding six babies. One of those babies was my daughter. I tried to figure out which one was her. I honestly did not recognize her from her referral picture, but I couldn't wait to hold her. Matt and I anxiously waited our turn and when they finally got to our name, Matt and I kept jumping in to tell our guide what the paperwork was saying. He had some problems pronouncing our names and I remember practically shouting all the information at him, because I wanted my baby!

Finally, Jazzie's nanny handed her to me; I took one look into this little girl's eyes and I knew she was my daughter. My heart overflowed and the tears started to fall; I had just been given the most amazing gift and I knew that I would lay down my life for her right then and there. It was a very powerful moment. I forgot about all the other people in the room and for a moment or two, it was just her and me - together at last.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

I still can't watch this without crying all over again :-)

Jazzie, I can't believe it has been 5 years since that morning in Changsha, Hunan. I will never forget the moment that I first held you; it was one of the most powerful moments of my life.

I love you so very much.

Happy Forever Family Day to you, sweet girl...

(Our travel video can be found here)

"The adoptive mom"

I am sitting with a group of other moms today and a woman gets up and says the following: "Can I have the attention of all you moms?" Then looks at me and says: "Oh, and the adoptive mom, too".
Huh? Am I not a mom? Why the need to exclude me from "the moms" and put me in a separate category by myself as "the adoptive mom"?

After a while, I very calmly approached the woman who made those comments and told her that I was a mom just like everyone else there and that there was no reason to differentiate the two types of moms at all. A mother is a mother. Plain and simple. She explained her thinking behind her statement: She just wanted to get the attention of all the moms and when she saw me she realized I wasn't "a real mom", but she didn't want me to think that she wasn't addressing me, so she wanted to make sure I felt included. Whatever. I felt included until she called me "the adoptive mom".

At first I was taken off guard by her statements and I was angry and hurt. Am I any different from her, really? She may have given birth to her children and I may have adopted mine, but we both want the best for our kids. We both would lay down our lives for our children right now if we had to. We both marvel in our children's success and we are both proud of everything they have accomplished so far. We both cried when our babies went to preschool for the first time. We both worry about our children's health and well being. We both agree that there is no love as strong as the love we have for our children.

Her words may have stung this afternoon and I was angry with her, but now I just feel sorry for her. Sorry that she doesn't know or understand that the love I have for my girls is so strong and powerful that I can't even put it into words. The fact that I didn't give birth to Jazzie and Tahlia doesn't mean our connection isn't special. The connection to my girls may not be biological but it is just as deep and just as profound as any mother's connection to her children, only in a different and very spiritual way.

Five years ago...

Well I just heard the news today

It seems my life is going to change

I close my eyes, begin to pray

Then tears of joy fall down my face...

Those were the words I wrote on our old website on March 31, 2003. It is a day that I will truly never forget. It is the day that we received our referral for Jazzie and I still remember every detail of it (even more so than my wedding day, Tahlia's referral day and the days I first held both my girls, even though those were pretty memorable days as well).

I have told this story many times, but I truly wasn't expecting our referral to come that day. So when the phone rang and I saw on the caller ID that it was our agency calling, my heart skipped a beat. I answered the phone and was told "You have a daughter and she is beautiful". I remember everything that happened after that. From me bursting into tears, to the tears falling onto the paper that I was writing all the details on, to driving to Party City to get balloons, to driving to Matt's office to give him the news, to running through the halls with my balloons, to bursting into his office and to seeing Matt's face when he turned around and saw me standing there, realizing we had our referral. "We didn't" is what he said. "Yes we did", I responded. We were both overjoyed... March 31, 2003 is a day I will truly never forget.

 

I would like to wish all my fellow Waiting Hearts a happy referral day. Tammie and Gretchen, our DTC Group was so special to me and I am glad we have kept in touch through the years.

I started a tradition 4 years ago of taking Jazzie's picture with her referral picture on the anniversary of our referral. Here she is today:

And here she is in previous years, starting with last year:

2006:

2005:

2004:

This song by Creed has special meaning to me and every time I hear it, my eyes tear up and I go right back to March 31, 2003.

"With arms wide open, now everything has changed"...

It sure has. Happy referral anniversary, my sweet, amazing Jazzie. I love you more than I can say. Receiving your referral changed my life, but having you as my girl has changed my world.