The following post is hard for me to write. I thought long and hard before even starting it. Why? Because I am about to share some negative feelings I had about my husband last week. Before I go on, I want to make sure that I start by saying that I love my husband more than anything. He is a wonderful man, father and husband. I am lucky to have him and my life would not be complete without him.
I am not sure why I feel so guilty about writing anything negative about him. I share the good and the bad about Jazzie and Tahlia here all the time, so why is sharing something negative about my husband any different?
Last week was a difficult week for me with the girls being sick. I did not get a lot of sleep, my day was filled with playing nurse and at times I was so very frustrated that I did not act in a way I would have liked. Yes, I yelled at my girls. Even when they were sick as a dog. Exhaustion and frustration don't mix well for me and I have yet to find a way to better handle it. In the midst of it all, I felt completely alone. I wanted Matt to reach out and say things like: "Let me take care of it". "Let me handle it". "Can I do anything"? An encouraging word, an encouraging gesture, anything. For some reason there wasn't anything like it. At least not that I remember. One night when I was at the end of my rope with Jazzie, I couldn't stand it any longer and I cried. No, I sobbed. I was so tired, so frustrated and I felt so alone. At that moment I wanted that encouraging gesture or those encouraging words from my husband more than anything, but all he said was: "You need to pull yourself together".
WTF??? You think?!?!?!?!?
Not what I needed or wanted to hear. Again, I felt completely alone.
After writing this post about feeling alone during our difficult times with Tahlia, I was hoping that Matt (who reads this blog every day) would have a better understanding of my feelings and emotions during that time. Maybe it was naive of me to think that he would read it and come to me and say something along the lines of: "I'm sorry I wasn't there in a way you needed me to be there", or "I'm sorry that was such a hard time, but I think you did a great job", but instead I got: "It was just two people with two different views on the situation", or something like that. Again, not what I was hoping to hear and once again, I felt completely alone and misunderstood in a situation that happened about 3 years ago. Obviously, I have not come to terms with it. Like a friend wrote in an e-mail recently: you cannot go through a situation like that and expect to come out of it unscathed.
Obviously I have not...
I do want to end this post on a happy note and say once again how much I love Matt - through the good times and the bad. Fortunately we have MANY more good times than bad ones. We will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary next week and I would marry him all over again...