Jazzie and Tahlia

Dress shopping

Those who follow me on Facebook know that I have been shopping for a dress for the annual OVV Gala. Matt and I have attended this fundraiser for Jazzie's old school for the past 5 years now and it is always a lot of fun. Let me tell you just how much fun I've been having shopping for a dress. It is so nice to be able to try on dresses and actually like the way I look in them instead of feeling disgusted when I look in the mirror. What is even more fun is realizing that the size I pulled of the rack is too big ;-)

A few years ago I did not enjoy the whole dress experience. In fact, I covered up as much as I could:

Last year was a lot more fun. By then I had lost 80 pounds and I loved my little purple dress:

Fast forward another year and I have lost 115 pounds. This year the gala has a Roaring 20's theme and I have two dresses that I like. One has a flapper kind of feel to it (perfect for the 20's theme) and the other one makes me feel fabulous and super sexy. I love them both and don't know which one to choose. I keep going back and forth between the two.

The good news is that I still have two weeks to decide, unless of course I keep shopping and trying on more dresses...

This is me - Then And Now

Just about a year ago, I posted a video of myself called "This is me". This was a BIG thing for me, since I had been trying to hide for many, many years. Putting myself out there was really hard, but looking back, it was one of the best things I've done in a long time. Here it is again:

I posted the video shortly after turning 40 and I knew that I had to change. I was unhealthy, unhappy and I did not want to continue living the way I was. And so my year of transformation started. Yesterday was my 41st birthday and I am happy to say that I did what I said I was going to do. I have transformed myself. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I am no longer afraid to be seen, nor I am embarrassed. I feel strong, happy and healthy.

This is me - Now:

Called back

I got called back today for a second Weight Watchers commercial audition!

I will go in this Thursday and I am very excited. I will keep you posted....

Heck Yes!

A couple of months ago, my Weight Watchers Leader handed me a form and asked me to consider filling it out. It was an application to appear in a Weight Watchers commercial. So, I did. I filled out all the paperwork, gathered all my weightloss information they asked for, sent in before and after pictures (you can see those here) and kind of forgot about it until this past Tuesday. I was in my car when my cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the number (it was a NY area code, so decided not to answer it). A few minutes later my phone beeps to tell me I have a voicemail. Wouldn't you know it was someone from Weight Watchers asking me if I was willing to audition for a commercial?? The old me would have immediately said NO WAY. The new me however, is no longer afraid or embarrassed to be seen, so I said HECK YES :-)

Even though this is just an audition and I might never appear ANYWHERE, the fact that I am even being considered is quite exciting. Weight Watchers has changed my life and I stand behind it 100%. It would be an absolute honor to be one of their spokespeople.

I'll keep you posted.

It's who you think you're not

This quote really speaks to me. For many years I was stuck in an unhealthy place, because I didn't think I could change. I used to think I was too weak, too overweight, not smart enough, not worthy enough, etc. Every single self-loathing thought you can think of, I probably had it. I spent WAY too much time dwelling on my weaknesses and shortcomings, instead of focusing on what was positive about me. This was largely in part of my lack of self-esteem.

I can't really pinpoint when things turned around for me. Joining Weight Watchers and training for the Flying Pig Marathon certainly was part of it. Never did I imagine I would ever run a marathon. "I am not a runner, I have never ran before in my entire life; there is no way I can do this", I would say to myself and it held me back. I, myself, held me back. But then I gained more self esteem and something changed inside of me. I KNEW that I could run that marathon. I knew it in my heart. I had 100% confidence within myself that I was going to do it, and I did. This newfound confidence has been the biggest change for me since losing weight.

I am often asked by people how I am doing it, how I am sticking with it, how I get the motivation to get out there and run all the time. The answer is simple. I don't ever want to go back to the way I used to be. I don't want to be held back by negative things that I used to tell myself. My old way of thinking used to be that I simply didn't have the will power to do anything and that I would probably fail anyway. I can't, I can't, I can't. Well, it turns out that I can. Back then I simply chose not to. But now I choose to be strong, happy and confident and I know what to do in order to stay that way.

The other day Jazzie was looking at pictures on my phone and she came across three pictures of the three of us (Jazzie, Tahlia and me) eating lunch at the mall. Her comments:

"Tahlia is happy because she got to bring her stuffed animal to the mall".

"I'm happy because I got to eat lo mein AND fried rice".

"Mommy is happy because she is eating a healthy salad".

And that's just it; I've said it before - it's mostly about being healthier. I have tried hard to correct the girls whenever they say something about mommy wanting to be skinny or wanting to lose weight. "Mommy wants to be healthier". I am a healthy, happy person who is in control of herself. Like Jillian Michaels says: "At the end of the day, your health is your responsibility".

Words that amuse me (and help me stay on track)

Been thinking

After writing my post with before and after pictures of myself, I got the following comment:

"i think you're an amazing person and mom. 
but i hope the emphasis you put on being thinner = prettier and a better person does not affect your kids! you weren't uglier or a worse person before, but good for you that you are healthier now!"

This comment made me think and I would like to respond to it. I never meant to imply that I believe that a person can only be beautiful if they are thin. As a matter of fact, I never said those words. It is just that I was doing a lot of internal self loathing. Above everything, I felt and knew that I wasn't healthy. I couldn't walk up the stairs without being out of breath. I had very little energy. I was pre-diabetic and my blood pressure which is usually low, was getting higher and higher. I was not healthy, I was not happy and I didn't feel beautiful or pretty. I decided that I wanted to get healthier.

It is important to remember that it didn't matter to me what everyone else was saying. I didn't feel good about myself and nothing anyone would say could make me think differently. I had to change my internal thinking in order to change my external being. One quote that I once read and that spoke to me at the time (and still does) is this: "I stopped stuffing my face, when I started facing my stuff".

I started running and accomplished things I didn't think I could ever do. I lost weight and gained more energy. The self loathing disappeared. I now feel healthy and happy. I don't think that affects my girls in a negative way at all. In fact, I am now modeling a healthy lifestyle for them. Instead of sitting around the house eating sugary and salty snacks, they see me go out and exercise almost every single day. They see me buy, prepare and eat fresh and healthy meals and snacks.They see me make healthy choices and in turn, they are doing the same. So why I can appreciate the worry that I am putting too much emphasis on the fact that being thin equals being beautiful, I respectfully disagree.

Jazzie and Tahlia are built very differently. One is tall, lean and slender. The other is short and stocky. I think both of them are beautiful. My biggest hope for my girls is that they grow up to be kind, accepting and non-judgmental people. In just our family alone we have people of all different sizes, races, religions and abilities. My kids know that it doesn't matter what a person looks like on the outside. It is the inside that truly counts. And now that I am a healthier and happier me, I feel that I am a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, etc. And I know that that can only impact me and the people in my life in a positive way.

Before and after pictures

Like I mentioned in my last post, I do not have a lot of pictures of myself from the last 10 years or so. For the past 15+ years I've struggled with my weight. I did a lot of yo-yo dieting, but never reached a point where I felt truly, 100% comfortable with myself. There was a lot of self loathing and I spent many, many hours talking negatively to myself. So whenever I saw pictures of myself I would think how ugly I looked, how fat I looked, how horrible I looked, etc and I would promptly delete them.

On the rare occasion that I did post pictures of myself, I was either hiding behind something or someone, they were taken from a flattering angle or it was during one of my lower weight (but far from ideal) days.

The following pictures are in the family reunion albums. I couldn't scan them, so I took pictures of them. The quality is not the best, but you get the idea. These are hard for me to look at, let alone post them here for everyone to see, but I need to remember where I am today. I need to remember how good I feel today; how much more energy I have and how much more confident I feel. I need to remember how I could NEVER go back to the way I was, because I actually like who I am today :-)

Another milestone!

You may remember my key chain post from a while ago. Ever since I started Weight Watchers, I've been earning charms to add to my keychain for every major milestone reached (25 lbs, 50 lbs and most recently 75 lbs). At today's weigh-in I received this:

As of today, my total weight loss is 101 pounds!!!!I can hardly believe it myself.

During our recent family reunion in Maryland, I was looking at picture albums from past reunions. It is our family's tradition to take a picture of each family that attends. The pictures are put in an album which are then displayed at next year's reunion. I never kept a lot of pictures of myself before I started losing weight. I always hated the way I looked and almost always immediately deleted any pictures with me in them. So to see pictures from years past was a bit shocking to say the least. It is truly amazing to look at myself in those pictures; I hardly recognize the person staring back at me. I will try and scan some of them to post here on the blog. For now here are some photo's of me taken today; the day I officially became 100 pounds lighter:

A big milestone

You may remember my post about my keychain? Well, today I got to add something to it. Here is what my keychain looks like today:

See that little silver star at the bottom? That is the reward Weight Watchers gives to it's members when they reach their weight loss goal. Yes, at today's weigh-in I learned that I reached my goal I set for myself 14 months ago when I started on this weight loss journey. I have lost 95.4 pounds. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel proud. I feel fabulous :-)

Amazed that I started the journey, amazed that I stuck with it and amazed that I finished it!

Jeans

It is going to be warm today (in the 80's), so I figured it was time to get out the capri pants. The only problem is that ALL my summer pants are now too big. Not just a little, but WAY too big. As I was trying on pants after pants, I was amazed. Amazed by how big I must have been, and amazed by how much weight I really lost. I told Matt at one point: "Man, look at how fat I was". He rightfully pointed out that instead of making this into a negative thing, I should make it into a positive thing instead and say: "Look at how much weigh I've lost and how much better I look!"

My jeans are 4 sizes smaller now :-)

As for my closet. There is a huge empty spot where my capri pants and jeans used to be.

Time to go shopping, baby!

My first half marathon

I ran my first official half marathon today! I've actually ran 13.1 miles several times before, but it has always been during my training; never during an official race. But today my training group participated in the Heart Association's Mini Heart Marathon. It was a rainy day, but it didn't dampen our spirits. I felt great throughout the entire race and had a great time!

Matt and the girls came downtown towards the end of the race so that they could see me finish. Here I come (in the middle in pink)!

At this point I am looking all over the crowd for Matt and the girls. I knew they were around somewhere and I couldn't wait to see them. I am not looking too glamorous here, but after running 13.1 miles in the rain I guess nobody looks their best ;-)

I finally spotted the girls and even though the picture is pretty blurry, I think it shows my excitement ;-)

Tahlia gave me this note as soon as I finished. She is so sweet...

It felt great crossing that finish line. I did it and felt pretty good doing it. However, I could not help but (briefly) think about the fact that in just 6 weeks, I need to run twice as far. But for now I feel very proud that I finished my very first race ever, especially given the fact that I just started running about 6 months ago!

A big milestone

Interesting...

So by now you know I've lost quite a bit of weight over the last year. I am now just shy of a total loss of 80 lbs. What is interesting to me is the reactions I have been getting from people. For the most part, the reactions have been very positive. I have had friends, neighbors and family members tell me how proud they are of me, how good they think I look, how my weight loss journey is inspiring them, etc.

However, I was not prepared to get some reactions that are less positive. I feel that certain people have removed themselves from my life a bit. I have people in my life who every time I see them will look me up and down (and I can tell that they are noticing that I've lost weight), but yet have NEVER said anything to me. I have people in my life who act like it's no big deal or like this has been an easy journey for me, which it most certainly has not.

The most negative comment so far came from someone at my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday. It is strange that it happened there; of all places. Someone asked me how I am still able to lose so consistently every week. I mentioned that all the running that I am doing is certainly helping me tremendously. Another woman who was sitting next to me responded in a very nasty tone: "Well, I run too and I gained this week, so you can just sit down and be quiet"! She wasn't even kidding... 

Again, for the most part the reactions from people have been wonderful and positive. I am confused however by the reactions and statements (or lack thereof) from people who are close to me. I am not sure if they are jealous, threatened or just not used to the new me yet. Regardless of it all, I feel fantastic and can't stop smiling :-)

My key chain

It may look like an ordinary key chain to you, but certain things on here have a very special meaning.

As you may know, I have been on the Weight Watchers program since last May. I go to my meeting every Tuesday morning. Not only is this the place where I get weighed, it's also the place where I get a lot of support and information. I know that not everyone attends meetings and I also know that plenty of people do great on the program by themselves. For me however, attending the meetings is key. It keeps me on track, it helps me stay motivated and it helps me stay responsible. Towards the end of the meeting we always take some time to celebrate each other's success for that week. Most of the times it's people sharing the amount of weight they were able to lose in the past week, but for certain milestones, Weight Watchers gives it's members certain rewards.

When I lost 10% of my starting weight, I earned this key chain:

There is a number 10 on there that represents 10%, a star that represents a job well done and a key that represents the key to success.

When I lost 25 pounds, I got a charm to add to my 10% key chain:

It felt good, but I knew I still had a ways to go.

The next reward was a charm with clapping hands with the number 16 on it, which represents 16 weeks of consecutive meeting attendance:

The next one was a big one - the 50 lb charm:

Fifty pounds is a lot of weight and I was thrilled to receive that charm. However, today's meeting proved to be an even more exciting one. I earned yet another charm for my key chain:

75 pounds GONE!!!

Carrying these charms around on my key chain is a constant reminder of how far I've come and how much I NEVER want to go back to where I was. They may add some weight to my purse, but I will GLADLY carry these charms on my key chain instead of the 75 pounds I was carrying on my body.

Today is a good day. I reached a huge milestone and I am very proud of myself and I feel absolutely fabulous.

Several people have asked me if I ever took a before picture. The sad thing is that I never wanted to have my picture taken and if I did, I usually deleted them immediately as I could not stand to look at myself. However, last night while looking back on some older entries on the blog, I came across a picture of Matt and I at a fundraiser two years ago. I can't believe I even saved it, since it is really hard for me to look at:

It doesn't even show my entire body, but when I look at myself here, I just see an unhappy and unhealthy person who is trying to hide herself. It is hard not to let those old feelings of self loathing and thoughts of disgust enter my head.

That is why I will post the picture of Matt and I at this year's gala one more time :-)

No self loathing and disgust here.

Thank you Weight Watchers, you've changed my life.